Pema Chödrön writes in Welcoming the Unwelcome:
You look out of your eyes and see the same old world, but it no longer has the fictitious meaning you imbued it with. It strikes you that, in a way, you’ve been making up your whole world all along. Things are just as they are, unfolding as they unfold, but our ego, continually in search of confirmation and security, imputes layer upon layer of meaning.
Life talks, it’s our job to listen.
Tragedy’s refrain is so compelling because it reminds us that life itself is limited. But as time slips away from the epicenter the message loses its vitality. On some level, it has to. Our success as a species is largely dependent on our ability to pretend as if life goes on forever. This assumption is the heartbeat of our delayed gratification fixation.
Delaying gratification assumes that we’ll be around to reap what we sow AND that we’ll be able to actually enjoy it. Gulp. Real-world delayed gratification doesn’t actually work like it did in the classic Marshmallow Experiment. No matter how long we wait we’re never guaranteed that second marshmallow. There’s a chance we’ll get it. But there’s also a chance we won’t. And there’s also a chance that we won’t like marshmallows in the future.
Living a good life has become synonymous with making the most out of life. We’ve become increasingly convinced that the best way to do this is by putting things off in service of that second marshmallow down the road. This mindset is of the belief that life today is somewhat inferior and we can fix it. So we start to cover over enjoyment with success and control, which, ironically, are things we think will bring us enjoyment. All the while a disbelieving flow of energy discreetly drips into the “there must be more” bucket left out for us by our predecessors.
On one hand, the proven benefits of delaying gratification (exercising regularly, eating healthy, living below one’s means, saving/investing for the future) ARE some of the most important things we do. And yeah, ya gotta pay the bills. But on the other hand, our sensory experience of RIGHT NOW is all we’ll ever get, so shouldn’t we indulge as much as we can?
It feels strange to say but I think one of the reasons why we fixate on the satisfaction from delaying gratification is due to the shame and guilt associated with noncontingent enjoyment. We think we need to earn and justify celebration, relaxation, and happiness because immediate gratification has become the prey of the day. Enjoyment is gluttonized when viewed through shame-tinted lenses. The faintest whiff of pleasure disorients our internal GPS’s sole destination, later.
Some might say that neglecting the future is irresponsible. And they’re right. But you know what else is irresponsible? Not learning how to fucking enjoy some sliver of life while you still have the chance.
We get lulled to sleep in service of later until tragedy’s refrain shakes us by the shoulders and screams “NOW, WHILE YOU STILL CAN!”
Before my diagnosis, I drew so much meaning from my ability to delay gratification. I got so good at making myself slightly uncomfortable today in service of the big juicy reward down the road. And I thought that sense of accomplishment was enough. My ability to feed off the satisfaction of “doing the right things” diminished significantly with the CML diagnosis. This infatuation with being hard on myself also made things like asking/receiving help, allowing myself to rest and giving myself comfort feel incredibly selfish and indulgent. But the gaping hole of meaninglessness created by not being able to fulfill all my needs also allowed me to see that the rewards I was after were actually available to me here and now.
Life talks, it’s our job to listen.
Life has been telling me of late that learning how to enjoy my own company is the worthiest of goals. Do you enjoy yours?
I’m not asking about your circumstances, nor how you’re feeling. Neither am I asking about the things you do, nor the thoughts you have. This isn’t about the people you know and their opinions of you. Nor is it even about your core beliefs or values. Strip out all the should have’s, could have’s and might do’s.
I’m asking about the person who deals with your circumstances. The person who experiences your feelings and thoughts. The person who does the things that you do.
Liking what you do is different than liking who you are. Enjoying your current circumstances is not the same thing as enjoying yourself. Your values are not who you are. These are simply means to an end.
Very subtle. Very different.
You might ask, well who am I if I’m none of those things? And that’s a great question.
Life talks, it’s our job to listen.
If fully relishing one’s own presence is the ultimate aspiration, we do that by leaning into who the meaning-maker is RIGHT NOW. As horrifying as it may be, staring kind-hearted and wide-eyed into the most unlikable parts of ourselves is the only way to accomplish full enjoyment.
If we are able to see clearly without condemning ourselves we start to notice something that’s been there all along, our own basic goodness. Something we’ve all experienced before as children. And when we tap into this we are able to access the gifts David Gibson writes about in Living Life Backwards.
And the way God gives us enjoyment in his gifts is by giving us perspective on ourselves. When we know that the gift is not meant to be a stepping stone to greater things, when we realize we are not meant to rule the world, or master our destiny, or achieve ultimate gain through our careers, then we discover that enjoyment or joy is “itself the reward that we may expect from life and all our effort expended living it… there is no surplus to joy beyond joy itself. There is indeed no pathway to joy except by refusing to pursue it and to grasp at it.”
The predicament of enjoying life just so is that it’s always changing. It’s all too easy for us to become one-trick ponies. We find something that works today and we think that must be the answer forever. So we try to replicate it tomorrow, the next day and so on. Until eventually it loses all its luster and we’re left defeated and confused.
We can hold tragedy’s refrain in our wide-open hearts with an ear to the ground of now while one eye looks forward. Sounds like a game of Twister. Fun! Maybe the best we can do is learn to graciously link the shifts between delayed gratification and instant gratification. Because they’re both incredibly important. Which way are you leaning? What is life saying to you?
Life talks, it’s our job to listen.